Wheelchair

Hospital regulations usually require a wheel chair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.

After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.

"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

Butch The Rooster

John was in the fertilized egg business.
He had several hundred young layers
(hens), called 'pullets',
and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
He kept records,
and any rooster not performing
went into the soup pot
and was replaced.
This took a lot of time,
so he bought some tiny bells
and attached them to his roosters.
Each bell had a different tone
so he could tell from a distance,
which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch
And fill out an efficiency report
by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch,
was a very fine specimen,
but this morning he noticed
old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When he went to investigate,
he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets,
bells-a-ringing, but the pullets,
hearing the roosters coming,
could run for cover.

To John's amazement,
old Butch had his bell in his beak,
so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet,
do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch,
he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair
and he became an overnight sensation
among the judges.

The result was the judges
not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize
but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out
how to win two of the most highly coveted awards
on our planet by being the best
at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention.
Vote carefully this year,
the bells are not always audible.

Oh, how horrible, I have two

In a shared flat in my second year at uni a (female) flatmate got so annihilated that she shat in the middle of the living room floor before passing out. We all realised fairly quickly, as she had managed to shit (and wee a little bit) on an electric socket (extension cable) and had fused the electrics of the whole flat. Better than finding her dead in a pile of her own shit.. Brings a new meaning to the old Ren and Stimpy classic "Don't whizz on the electric fence".

I also have an acquiantance who on a drunken night in some friends' house disappeared to the loo, only to re-emerge proudly with a new moustache and beard. His own poo. Horrifying. He is a singer in a punk band in Camden - I wonder if anyone here will recognise him (snigger).